Ok, just so you know, I'm about to get all instrospective on you. You were warned. Here we go.
When I was a kid, I was definitely a day dreamer. My mom always teased me that I was always off in my own little world. Lost in thought. Who knows where.
Not a whole lot changed in adulthood, although my day dreams changed from imagining I was a mermaid to pondering the complexities and idiosyncrasies of the human condition. (Mermaid phase was way awesomer by the way). Along with this tendancy comes something I've considered less desirable. I'm so skilled at exiting the real world to roam the isles of the abstract, that sometimes I've had trouble connecting to reality.
At times it felt like I lived in a bubble. Constantly bumping into and interacting with life, but kept from really connecting with it by something thin and invisible. Watching people and events pass by me like a movie, never quite able to emotionally engage them as I'd like. Sometimes when something big happened (good or bad) I'd have to talk myself into the emotions I should be feeling. ("This is really good, be excited." or "This is really sad, feel sad.") With more or less success. It's made it hard for me to be a truly empathetic person. How can I imagine what someone else is feeling if I can hardly feel the right things myself?
Which is why God in His great and merciful wisdom made me a wife and a mother, even though I never felt passionate about becoming either. My kids especially have sliced through my bubble like nothing else could. As a mom I've felt emotions at extremes I didn't know existed. The gut squeezing, adoring affection. The fist clenching frustration. Love, fear, anger, joy, laughter,empathy. All exploding my sepia toned world into glorious multicolor.
I can't even say I knew it happened. It was such a whirlwind, entering into parenthood. Hardly time to think about the changes swirling around you and inside you. It wasn't until a few months ago that I realized the difference. The frustrating disconnect, the hazy connection I seemed to sometimes have with reality, were suddenly memories. I can't remember the last time I stood in the shower thinking about how weird existence is and struggling to feel that it's all real. I guess I've been too busy. Too busy waking up at the sound of my daughter's feet sneaking into our room at night, hoping to be pulled up into bed with mom and dad. Too busy kissing soft little cheeks and having dance parties before bath time. Too busy reading stories and singing bedtime songs with two soft little heads snuggled beneath my chin.
This more than any other thing has made me a better friend, nurse, person. Helped me find a confidence I didn't have before. Forcing me out of my own head to discover that I can connect to the real world, maybe even have an impact on it. Growing up I thought I would be an adventurer, living in a remote grass hut helping the poor. But God knew that what I really needed to be was a mother. Because before that happened, I wasn't present enough to help anyone.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Abortion, Prostitution, and Belief
It isn't my general aim on this blog to wax controversial, but I'm having some thoughts, and I think I'll hash them out here. Objections? No? Okay, I'll continue. I do welcome feedback, by the way, but please do be nice. I'm actually rather sensitive.
So abortion is a hot politic issue. It's also an issue I encounter somewhat commonly at work. I had a patient (beautiful, young) once years ago who had 16 abortions. 16! Talk about fertile. And not so handy with contraceptives. I've also had some women post abortions with pain issues or other complications. And it's something I think about a lot. I may rabbit trail a bit for a while, but it'll all tie together, I promise. (Maybe).
So yes, I'm a Christian. And no, I don't think America should be a theocracy. I don't want to "force" my beliefs on anyone. I think power and religion (any religion) are historically a not so bueno combo. But I don't think we can escape the fact that what we believe (be it atheist, Muslim, christian), affects everything in some way. Because it shapes our view of reality and of what is important. We can separate church and state, but we cannot separate belief and legislation. Because laws ultimately spring from some sort of worldview. We don't think killing another person because we want to is a good way to go, so we make a law against it.
Abortion is one of those issues that has no easy resolution because it is tied so tightly with worldview. I have the belief that humans are made in God's image, and as such every human being is intrinsically valuable. No one else has to value a life for it to be valuable, because it is valuable to Someone who has a much more weighty opinion than the rest of us. So even a little developing life is intrinsically valuable, even if it has no value to the woman carrying it or to society at large. Which would make ending that life murder. But if we are all just the product of chance and chaos, than our only real value comes from the people that value us. We are not, in fact, intrinsically valuable. So of course, if I'm a woman who has become pregnant with a baby I don't want and am not ready for, my needs and desires trump the right of the fetus, or as a medical blogger I follow words it, "clump of non sentient cells".
Some of the arguments for abortion talk about the fact that if abortion is illegal, women will still seek abortions, and will end up having unprofessional, "back alley" abortions, with high risks for complications. Another argument has to do with a woman's right to choose. It is her body, shouldn't she have a say in whether or not she wants to go through pregnancy and labor for a baby she doesn't want?
I'm going to take those arguments and apply them to another (I think less controversial) issue, just out of curiosity, to see if they hold the same weight. Take prostitution. I think (hope) most of us would say that prostitution is something that should probably be illegal. We would most agree that it is degrading to women. But let's look at it from a different perspective. My body is my own, right? Do I not, as a woman, have the right, if I want to, to use it to make money? If I want to sell sex, why not? You might say it is degrading, but what if I don't agree? What if I feel that it is an asset I have and would like to turn into a profit?
Of course, we could point out that prostitution is dangerous. There is a higher than normal risk for abuse, murder, and contracting of STDs. But should that make it illegal? Wouldn't it be better to take prostitution, legalize it, then set standards for businesses that want to run it? Mandatory protection. Panic buttons for when a client gets out of hand, background checks to screen out violent offenders. Is it a better idea to throw prostitutes in prison? For exercising their right over their own body? Does the argument that we should not make abortion illegal because it will mean we open the door for more dangerous types of abortions and because we would then have to criminalize the women who have them, hold the same weight for prostitution? If prostitution is illegal it is more dangerous for women - because some women will be prostitutes anyways. Isn't the effect on women what we care about? Or is there a sense of morality still picking at the back of our brains that we can't seem to shake?
We can't necessarily argue against prostitution by saying it is degrading to women. Because if a woman who has control over her own body does not think it is degrading, who are we to say it is? I think abortion is degrading to women. Our bodies are in every way designed to nurture and protect life - what could be more anti - feminist than for us to instead choose to destroy that life we are naturally intended to protect? I don't know.
Belief should never be something that is legislated (you must believe x, y, z). But our worldviews will always effect the way we decide to run our society. The point I'm trying to make is not that I think prostitution should be legal (I don't), but that sometimes when we carry our worldviews out to their logical conclusions, they take us places we didn't expect.
Did this all make sense? I'm not sure. I guess that's why I call it 'ramblings'.
So abortion is a hot politic issue. It's also an issue I encounter somewhat commonly at work. I had a patient (beautiful, young) once years ago who had 16 abortions. 16! Talk about fertile. And not so handy with contraceptives. I've also had some women post abortions with pain issues or other complications. And it's something I think about a lot. I may rabbit trail a bit for a while, but it'll all tie together, I promise. (Maybe).
So yes, I'm a Christian. And no, I don't think America should be a theocracy. I don't want to "force" my beliefs on anyone. I think power and religion (any religion) are historically a not so bueno combo. But I don't think we can escape the fact that what we believe (be it atheist, Muslim, christian), affects everything in some way. Because it shapes our view of reality and of what is important. We can separate church and state, but we cannot separate belief and legislation. Because laws ultimately spring from some sort of worldview. We don't think killing another person because we want to is a good way to go, so we make a law against it.
Abortion is one of those issues that has no easy resolution because it is tied so tightly with worldview. I have the belief that humans are made in God's image, and as such every human being is intrinsically valuable. No one else has to value a life for it to be valuable, because it is valuable to Someone who has a much more weighty opinion than the rest of us. So even a little developing life is intrinsically valuable, even if it has no value to the woman carrying it or to society at large. Which would make ending that life murder. But if we are all just the product of chance and chaos, than our only real value comes from the people that value us. We are not, in fact, intrinsically valuable. So of course, if I'm a woman who has become pregnant with a baby I don't want and am not ready for, my needs and desires trump the right of the fetus, or as a medical blogger I follow words it, "clump of non sentient cells".
Some of the arguments for abortion talk about the fact that if abortion is illegal, women will still seek abortions, and will end up having unprofessional, "back alley" abortions, with high risks for complications. Another argument has to do with a woman's right to choose. It is her body, shouldn't she have a say in whether or not she wants to go through pregnancy and labor for a baby she doesn't want?
I'm going to take those arguments and apply them to another (I think less controversial) issue, just out of curiosity, to see if they hold the same weight. Take prostitution. I think (hope) most of us would say that prostitution is something that should probably be illegal. We would most agree that it is degrading to women. But let's look at it from a different perspective. My body is my own, right? Do I not, as a woman, have the right, if I want to, to use it to make money? If I want to sell sex, why not? You might say it is degrading, but what if I don't agree? What if I feel that it is an asset I have and would like to turn into a profit?
Of course, we could point out that prostitution is dangerous. There is a higher than normal risk for abuse, murder, and contracting of STDs. But should that make it illegal? Wouldn't it be better to take prostitution, legalize it, then set standards for businesses that want to run it? Mandatory protection. Panic buttons for when a client gets out of hand, background checks to screen out violent offenders. Is it a better idea to throw prostitutes in prison? For exercising their right over their own body? Does the argument that we should not make abortion illegal because it will mean we open the door for more dangerous types of abortions and because we would then have to criminalize the women who have them, hold the same weight for prostitution? If prostitution is illegal it is more dangerous for women - because some women will be prostitutes anyways. Isn't the effect on women what we care about? Or is there a sense of morality still picking at the back of our brains that we can't seem to shake?
We can't necessarily argue against prostitution by saying it is degrading to women. Because if a woman who has control over her own body does not think it is degrading, who are we to say it is? I think abortion is degrading to women. Our bodies are in every way designed to nurture and protect life - what could be more anti - feminist than for us to instead choose to destroy that life we are naturally intended to protect? I don't know.
Belief should never be something that is legislated (you must believe x, y, z). But our worldviews will always effect the way we decide to run our society. The point I'm trying to make is not that I think prostitution should be legal (I don't), but that sometimes when we carry our worldviews out to their logical conclusions, they take us places we didn't expect.
Did this all make sense? I'm not sure. I guess that's why I call it 'ramblings'.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Turning the Other Cheek
Sometimes people can be difficult. Sometimes they can be downright obnoxious and offensive and mean. You see this a lot in situations where peer pressure doesn't dictate that you be treated with a certain level of politeness that is generally the social norm: namely, customer service. Waitresses, you know what I'm talking about! Nurses, we get the double dose.
Being sick strips people of the usual pressure they feel to behave a certain way. You feel justified in being short tempered or down right rude. You feel that it is okay for you to vent your worry and frustration by being mean to the people who are trying to help you. I have never in any circumstance of my life been treated as badly as I have been as a nurse by my patients. And I did a fair share of waitressing.
Sometimes it's easier to shake it off. Sometimes it makes my blood boil. Last week I had a patient who had no end of edgy, sarcastic, pointed responses to every question or offer I made her. I had started the day with determination to be extra kind to my patients, and right off the bat, she was seriously testing that resolve. I could almost physically feel the ball of snarky comments I wanted to fire back bubbling in my throat, to try and show her how rude she was being. Although I resisted, my desire to give her exemplary care certainly dissolved. Do the bare minimum, get her out of here. Hope someone else answers her call light first.
After having this unpleasant woman for a few hours, I started thinking about that statement of Jesus to turn the other cheek. "If someone hits you on the left cheek, turn to him the other also." I have never been physically struck in the face (yet). But I have been verbally assaulted countless times in this not so romantic business of caring for the sick. So what would it look like for me to be a nurse who 'turns the other cheek'? I guess it means not responding in kind. It's how I respond that matters to God. Someone being rude and unkind does not give me a free pass to be rude and unkind. I don't get to decide to not be merciful to someone just because they really get under my skin.
And you never know. You can't see into people's hearts and lives. Maybe your kindness in response to their rudeness is just the catalyst needed for the seed of God's grace to take root in their heart. Because isn't that the gospel in a nutshell? We who were hostile towards God are brought into relationship with Him by His own gift of love in the person of Jesus and His sacrifice. I hope that I will more often remember the gospel and live it out in the way I respond to hostile patients.
Being sick strips people of the usual pressure they feel to behave a certain way. You feel justified in being short tempered or down right rude. You feel that it is okay for you to vent your worry and frustration by being mean to the people who are trying to help you. I have never in any circumstance of my life been treated as badly as I have been as a nurse by my patients. And I did a fair share of waitressing.
Sometimes it's easier to shake it off. Sometimes it makes my blood boil. Last week I had a patient who had no end of edgy, sarcastic, pointed responses to every question or offer I made her. I had started the day with determination to be extra kind to my patients, and right off the bat, she was seriously testing that resolve. I could almost physically feel the ball of snarky comments I wanted to fire back bubbling in my throat, to try and show her how rude she was being. Although I resisted, my desire to give her exemplary care certainly dissolved. Do the bare minimum, get her out of here. Hope someone else answers her call light first.
After having this unpleasant woman for a few hours, I started thinking about that statement of Jesus to turn the other cheek. "If someone hits you on the left cheek, turn to him the other also." I have never been physically struck in the face (yet). But I have been verbally assaulted countless times in this not so romantic business of caring for the sick. So what would it look like for me to be a nurse who 'turns the other cheek'? I guess it means not responding in kind. It's how I respond that matters to God. Someone being rude and unkind does not give me a free pass to be rude and unkind. I don't get to decide to not be merciful to someone just because they really get under my skin.
And you never know. You can't see into people's hearts and lives. Maybe your kindness in response to their rudeness is just the catalyst needed for the seed of God's grace to take root in their heart. Because isn't that the gospel in a nutshell? We who were hostile towards God are brought into relationship with Him by His own gift of love in the person of Jesus and His sacrifice. I hope that I will more often remember the gospel and live it out in the way I respond to hostile patients.
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