Charge!

I've been spending more of my ER shifts lately in the role of charge nurse.  I'm not really sure who came up with that label, it kind of conjures an image of someone charging into battle at the head of a cavalry, war cry ringing loud, blade held high.  So maybe the term isn't too far off. Minus the war cry. And blade.  There are days however, I could use both.

It isn't really a role I sought out.  Someone somewhere got the crazy idea that I was an acceptable pick, and I started showing up to work to the surprise of seeing my name at the top of the dang white board.  At least one or two people were as surprised as I was - I saw a least one good eyebrow lift from across the room.  But there's this one skill I've learned to pick up the last few years of nursing- that is to pretend to be confident while working like crazy to become competent.  In other words, sometimes you have to pretend to know what you're doing, even when you don't, but make sure you know who to ask questions behind the scenes.

As time has gone on it's actually become a position I enjoy, mostly.  Being a charge nurse is kind of like a high stakes game of Tetras.  You're watching the screen and doing your best to get the right shapes in the right spots in the right timing before all the little pieces start piling up and something explodes. Or you end up with three ambulances pulling in with no where to put their patients or someone starts a riot  (or tries to die) in the waiting room.  I like puzzles and I like that part of the job.

But there's other parts I'm not wild about.  It turns out I lack a certain quality called "assertiveness".  I can smell confrontation a mile away and know how to dive for the nearest fox hole.  The problem is the ER seems to attract a lot of type A personalities, particularly in the doctor area, and they all want to tell you how to run the show. And they can smell weakness a mile away. Oh yes they can. No fox hole is safe.  I've had to learn to stand my ground and make statements that don't go up like a question at the end. I've had to make phone calls to different departments on behalf of my staff to confront issues or inappropriate interactions.  I've had to say "sorry, I can't do that" to the looming form of an opinionated MD. Through it all, I can feel my backbone hardening a little bit, but I've still got a ways to go on that front.

All that said, sometimes it's good to find ourselves in roles we aren't quite ready for. It puts pressure on us to grow, and forces us into situations that confront our weaknesses.  And Lord knows I've got plenty of those.