Tears

Any of my childhood friends could tell you that me and emotional expression are awkward bedfellows. There was a time when I could count on one hand the number of times I had cried in several years. Then of course I got married, and I don't know what it is about testosterone that can make me a blubbering idiot, but in my normal life I still find strong emotions a little ill-fitting.

It's not that I don't care when people are sad. I do. Very much. But for some reason, tears make me as uncomfortable as any man. I'm suddenly too aware of my facial expressions, they feel forcefully sincere... and my arms have no good place to go... and I can hear all my words twice as though there's an annoying echo, just in case I didn't hear how flat they fell the first time around. And it doesn't matter who is crying. It could be a family member, a college roommate, or a patient. (My kids are fine, but that's probably because with that much repetition it can't possibly feel awkward).

In my line of work, you just can't avoid it. At some point, someone is going to cry. Sometimes it catches me off guard. I'll be happily adjusting monitors and cables, humming the latest Sesame Street song that I have stuck in my head under my breath (I have a 2 year old, ok?) and I turn around, and bam! Someone is looking down with tears running down their face, or giving that tell tale sniffle. My gut reaction is to act like I didn't notice and take the quickest exit. Sadly, I'd be lying if I said I've never done it.

But usually I have no choice but to look the scary Tears Monster in the face, and say something like "do you need to talk?" while all the one liners from my nursing school course on "therapeutic communication" start jumbling around my brain. Occasionally I've slipped an arm that suddenly seems to weigh twice as much as it used to around someones shoulder and given the awkward pat. I think of some of my dearest friends, so blessedly endowed with sweet grace that seems to multiply tenfold at the very hint of a tear, and wonder why I have to be so stunted.

Yet as in all things, I can only trust that in my weakness, God is strong. That He'll redeem my painful interaction with emotions, and somehow communicate the compassion and grace that I'd like to give. I just have to give what I can, and try to avoid the temptation to hide from people's tears.