Projection

We've all done it, I'm sure -  Been frustrated or angry about some circumstance or string of events, and pinned it to the closest person possible, whether or not they were to blame.  I catch myself doing this from time to time.  Maybe I've had a frustrating day with the kids where everyone is whinny and nothing has gone right.  My innocent husband comes home, and I find myself finding reasons that my tightly wound, frayed nerves are his fault.  And our minds weave clever narratives.  They are very adept at coming up with reasons that sound plausible to justify an emotion, whether or not they really caused it.  Sometimes circumstances directly cause emotion, sometimes the emotion is there on it's own and we make up reasons why - often implicating someone in our current sphere.

Especially anger. To put it poetically, anger is a restless spirit searching for somewhere to rest.  It's funny how we can be happy without finding someone to credit it with, but we can't be angry without finding someone to blame.  Even when there is no one.  We see this very intensely in the ER.  If ever there was a perfect environment for combustible emotion, an ER is it. I'm sure every single one of my co workers has been on the receiving end of anger with no where to go.

People come in and are sick or in pain or already inconvenienced by "having" to come to the emergency room in the first place, and sometimes they have to wait. Or have uncomfortable procedures done.  Or stay overnight when they want to go home. Or stay in the ER because there are no inpatient beds.  People become volatile and angry, and since the anger feels it must go somewhere, it's often directed at the nurse.  Is it our fault the waiting room is full because we're seeing record breaking numbers? No.  Can we help the inpatient situation of limited space and staff? Nope.  Can I magically make IVs feel like angel kisses? Not really.  Are we working our butts off under difficult circumstances? You betcha!  But it doesn't matter.  You are a body and a face that's related to the situation making someone uncomfortable or afraid or restless.  I even had an old lady who was - probably - very sweet under normal circumstances call me a jerk one day when I was working triage because it was taking so long to get rooms.  I won't lie, it hurt my feelings.

And there is the challenge.  It takes a long of perceptiveness and emotional control to absorb anger sent at you unjustly without responding with it's cousin, defensiveness.  It's hard to feel like you are pouring out everything you have to help your patients, and yet they are angry with you.  Our natural defense systems rear up with force .  People with lesser verbal filters have been known to say things like "you're waiting a long time because you aren't actually dying and we're trying to help people who are." True? Often.  Helpful? Not really.

Although I can recognize when someone's anger at me doesn't have anything to do with me, it's much harder to control the anger I feel in response.  Because that too wants somewhere to go.  But it's my goal to become so full of God's grace that I can absorb and neutralize negative emotions directed at me and respond with kindness, instead of joining in a useless racquetball war of projection.  Sadly, I've got a long way to go...