Love That Lasts

Inspiring stories seem few and far between sometimes.  Especially in the dark landscape of the ER.   The other day, however, I encountered two couples on the same day that seriously amazed me.

I was sitting at the front desk on one of my days doing 'triage' when we saw an old man trying to help his wife out of the car into a wheelchair. We went out to assist him, but he insisted that he did this all the time. This time however, the poor man almost fell and almost dropped his wife, who was bigger than him.  We helped them, but I could tell he was embarrassed.  Despite being in his 80s, he was a well built older gentleman, and nothing in his stature bespoke frailty.  As I checked them into a room, I learned that they had been married for 50 years, and for 10 of the last 50 his wife had been afflicted with Alzheimer's so severe that she could not walk or speak. And he had been her sole caregiver this entire time.  He was incredibly tender with her and wanted to help us any time we moved her or assisted her.

Later on I encountered an extremely unpleasant alcoholic.  Per his wife he would go on drinking binges that would last days and never eat a bite of food. When he was finally too sick to carry on this way, she would coax him to the hospital.  His wife talked and had a demeanor that implied this had been their ritual for a very long time now.  After a couple of frustrating interactions with this man, who as I said, was quite unpleasant, I remarked to his wife that she had the patience of a saint to put up with him for so long.  She looked at her husband and her demeanor softened. She told me that he was the nicest man in the world when he wasn't drinking, and in a tone that spoke only of true compassion told me that he suffered a lot from PTSD from his days in war.

I've heard it said that when someone loves another so unyieldingly it says much more about the person who loves than it does about the person loved.  These people weren't just overcome with a powerful force of love that happened to stay with them through the decades.  Their loved one wasn't daily inspiring this love by their own virtue.  These spouses developed patience.  They worked to see good through the bad.  They were faithful and steadfast when many would have run.  We all want the kind of love that stands the test of time and doesn't yield to life's storms.  But love like that is built on the foundation of character, not emotion alone. And so few of us have the patience to build that kind of character, and so never experience that kind of love. The kind of love that will tenderly care for someone you've committed to - even when they can barely give it back.

Lies We Tell Ourselves

 

I've come to the opinion that us humans are marvelously adept at telling ourselves lies.  Maybe not always complete falsities, but certainly an astounding amount of half truths.  I think this is because we desire to be and to appear much more virtuous (or important) than we actually are.  So we ascribe to ourselves lofty motives when really baser ones are in play.  We justify ourselves with empathizable internal stories for actions we know are wrong - or questionable at best . And no, I'm not sure if empathizable is a word.

Sometimes I notice this on reality tv shows.  How is it that no one in singing competitions ever says they want to be the next big thing because they love the way being center stage in front of a throng of adoring fans makes them feel?  Almost everyone seems to have a humble, selfless motive. "I'm doing this for my kids - to teach them to follow their dreams." "I'm doing this for my sick sister in law." "I'm doing this for my family, so we don't have to struggle anymore." "I want to share the gift of music, to uplift the people of the world!"  Just once I want to hear someone say, "Being on stage and captivating an audience with my talent makes me feel important, and I really like that feeling." Now I can't judge people's real motives. But I do  have a hard time believing that those things are the primary reason most people want to be an "American Idol".   

I also remember an interview on Dr. Phil years ago with a couple that was having an affair that both of their families (spouses and children) were fully aware of.  The woman talked at length about how she felt guilty, but kept hoping that somehow it was okay because they loved each other so much. She also emphatically stated that her children were her top priority and that their good was her chief desire. Your young children know you are cheating on their dad, but their good and stability is your highest goal?  Lies. But she did not want to accept the image of herself as someone who would sacrifice the emotional health of her children for an affair, so she told herself a different story.

But mostly - I catch it in myself.  The one person whose motives I am in fact privy to.  I like to feel like a good person- someone who is kind, interesting, strong, and virtuous. (Feel free to roll your eyes now).  When I do things or think things or act in ways that challenge this perception of myself, I find myself trying to spin the story in my mind in a way that makes me come out on top.  That perhaps incriminates the other person in the scenario more than myself. It's shameful to admit. But it's true.

I think this is one of the reasons the gospel doesn't make sense to us sometimes.  Because the first thing you have to admit is that you're a sinner.  And many of us have been telling ourselves untrue stories about ourselves for so long and believing the ones advertisers and pop culture tell us about ourselves, that we have a hard time believing the true story - that we're lost and broken. And we need a Savior.

When Fear Looks Like Anger

 Many of us are drawn to nursing because we like the idea of helping people - and I think most of us kind of assumed that we would be treated and responded to as helpers.  But often times we are responded to as the perpetrators. The ones responsible for pain and suffering, instead of the ones working tirelessly to try and relieve it.  That is one aspect of healthcare I was certainly not prepared for.

It is so hard not to take people's reactions at face value.  And especially hard not to react emotionally to them ourselves.  This is a lesson I am continually re exposed to at work, because  patients and family members can often be short and rude and even threatening.  The other day a co worker of mine asked me to start an IV on someone. After introducing myself and telling him what I was there for the man gave me a very serious stare, arched an eyebrow and stated "Better get that thing the first time or I'll be sticking needles in your arm." To which I replied (tartly) "You know it really doesn't help to threaten the nursing staff" and went about my task in indignant silence.

When I am inside these situations I get angry. I do not like being treated like the bad guy! I don't like people looking at me as though they need to protect themselves or their loved ones from me. I'm there to help them, darn it! However, when I am not in the situation, when I'm trying to place myself in someone else's skin, I start to understand. Slowly I begin to remember that it really doesn't have anything to do with me.  Often when people are afraid and helpless (especially men) they try and regain that sense of control over their environment. They channel their fear into aggression because it feels more secure than the fear. The man who has watched his elderly wife undergo countless painful medical prodecures and feels unable to come to her rescue channels that insecurity into pressure on the medical staff.  The parent feeling helpless to stop their child from experiencing pain or discomfort does the same.

I really hope that someday I'll be able to internalize this fact.  To stop feeling defensive and angry because people aren't responding to me the way I feel they should.  To see the fear behind the anger and respond with grace and compassion.

The Divine Umbrella

 

Way back in the days of nursing school, even before my feet touched the clinical soil, I've been praying different versions of the same prayer, "Oh God, please don't let me screw anything up or hurt anybody! Don't let me get anything I can't handle."  My first year of nursing I probably prayed that prayer a hundred times a day, and maybe a few times during the nervous sleeplessness of pre-workday nights.

As the years have gone on, my confidence as a nurse has increased and my anxiety has markedly decreased, but still I pray.  And I've come to believe strongly in God's gracious, divine umbrella.

My first year as a little medical telemetry nurse (heart stuff and what not) was a steep learning curve.  Not to criticize the education I received at world renowned New Mexico State (yes, that's in America), but I was not prepared to hit the floors of that hospital.   No experience, few critical thinking skills, and tunnel vision like a rat.  And I noticed something that year - often times during the shifts I worked there would be patients who would suddenly deteriorate, cardiac arrests, and critical transfers - but they were never my patients. And I mean never.  And they didn't assign patients by acuity levels - it was all numeric. You get rooms 1-7, that sort of thing.

The umbrella continued during my first few years of emergency nursing.  I had busy, stressful days and sick patients, but I never got slammed with the difficult, crazy cases that I saw other people get.  And I knew that God was protecting me (and my patients). A fact that I found comforting and also a little sad, because I knew it was because I couldn't handle it.  As I slowly stepped into the charge nurse roll, I noticed the same thing.  The sky could be falling the day before and the day after, but on my shift, it was much easier going.  And I knew.  God was shielding me (and the people around me) from what I wasn't ready for.

I've noticed the last year or two that the umbrella has been lifting.  I'm dealing with cases and situations that I would have crumbled under at one time.  I am encouraged to realize that I'm growing up into my role.  It may have taken me a while, but I'm getting there.  And through it I've been able to have another glimpse of God's faithfulness.  Faithfulness to keep me from getting too much too soon, and faithfulness to help me improve.  But I will never stop praying on my drive to work - because thankfully Someone is listening.

Gordon Ramsey and the Gospel

Confession time.  I LOVE total transformation shows. Love them.  I love seeing a total disaster renewed into something awesome in one hour increments.  Whether it be a house, a person, a fashion sense, a restaurant or a hotel, it matters not, I will watch until the after is revealed. I think there is just something in these stories of redemption that resonate with us.  Last night my husband and I were watching 'Hotel Hell', which is apparently the next great thing from Gordon Ramsey, famed British critique and hot head.  And I realized something quite surprising.

Gordon Ramsey might just understand the elements of the gospel better than many present day pastors.

I've noticed a theme on these Gordon Ramsey shows.  When he first comes in he is brutal.  He knows that if the people he is working with don't fully recognize the true nature and extent of their problem, they will never do better.  And the people initially are resistant, offended, and often very angry. They start saying things like "who the beep are you to come into my restaurant/hotel, and tell me how to run it??' 'You think you're so great because you have some big fancy restaurant'.  They refer to him in their interviews with words like "hate" and "detest" and "a-hole".  Never mind the fact that most of them are near bankruptcy and asked for him to come.

Finally, the conflict comes to a head, and the owner is put into a place where they can no longer hide from the painful facts of their failures.  They are sad and devastated.  But they are also humbled. They suddenly start listening to Gordon's advice and seeing the wisdom in his suggestions. Gordon's persona softens and he becomes kind and encouraging. Then they get the free gift of a made over establishment and a new menu, along with extra training.  And for many of them it marks a new beginning, one in which they go from failure to success, despair to joy.

According to the gospel, each and every one of us is our own little kitchen nightmare.  Maybe we know we aren't doing so hot and wouldn't mind some help. But what we really want is someone to come tell us we are doing the best we can with what we have, that we aren't really that bad, and then to give us some helpful tips and maybe a couple of steps to help us become better.  But the gospel comes in and tells us exactly what we don't want to hear. It tells us we are not okay, it points out our sin and our failure.  If you've ever read Jesus' so called Sermon on the Mount it's like a scathing Gordon Ramsey lecture minus the British accent and curse words.  And Jesus offended a lot of people.

But if after that you come face to face with who you really are, with your sin and failure, accepting it for what it really is and no longer justifying or minimizing it but instead are grieved and humbled by it, an amazing thing happens.  The gospel softens.  Suddenly it is encouraging and kind.  And then comes the free gift of grace.  That forgiveness and salvation of our souls.  Giving our hearts a beautiful new look and a brand new beginning.

So, Gordon, I'm sure you didn't mean to - but thanks for reminding me of the greatest Story of transformation and redemption - the One to which all the others can only allude - even if unintentionally.

You Might Be An ER Nurse....

IF:

You have ever carried a severed finger around your place of business chuckling diabolically as you show it to all of your co workers.

You have ever had a picture of gnarly wounds or things stuck in/on non traditional places on your iphone.

You have ever pretended to drink out of a (full) urinal.

You have ever wished out loud for a cardiac arrest patient to come in because "you're bored".

You have ever thought it was a perfectly reasonable thing to do to agree to come in to work at 3am. And then proceed to work until 7 pm.  And do it multiple times.

You have ever given report to another nurse via charades.

You have dated and/or are married to law enforcement or an EMT/paramedic

 You have ever said the words, "Hey, no, you can't pee there!"

Or the words, "Oh, let's get that gown back on, shall we?"

You've given and/or taken report on a patient over the phone while taking a quick pee break.

You've ever chased a semi naked patient down the street.

Saying 'wow that was really awful' about a trauma case also has the unspoken meaning of, 'but kind of awesome'.

You love/hate/relish/detest your job every day all in one day.

Through The Kaleidoscope



It's always been interesting to me how different people, surroundings, and situations bring out different sides of people.  It's the same person with the same personality, but twist the circumstances and social setting a little bit, and they can look very different. Like a kaleidoscope. The same elements making different pictures.

Of course I see that the best with myself, because I'm with myself in all my different settings and situations.  There have been times when parts of my personality surface that surprise people, because they've only seen a certain side of me and understandingly surmised that must be the grand total.   I've been the quiet, awkward girl and the outgoing socialite. I've been the one with nothing to say and the one with too much to say.  I've been the clown and the stoic.  I've been insecure and I've been confident. I'm different at work than I am at home, different with old friends than with new.

You may not know this, but one of the worst things you can comment to a quiet person is about how quiet they are.  Because what they hear is not 'you're so quiet!', but 'you lack social skills and are probably quite dull'.   Most 'quiet' people I've known are actually highly entertaining when they are in a setting and with people that they are comfortable with. And they are often very interesting. You just have to twist the kaleidoscope .

All that to say, humans are fascinating. Never assume that you've got someone pegged, because we all develop a variety of new shades as the light shifts.